is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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