I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
