Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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