Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
