i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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