the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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