My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize