I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize