my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
