hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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