Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
