he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
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