i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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