she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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