Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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