Three words: puerto rican gang bang
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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