remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Oh god it's open bar.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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