he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
