fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
