Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
