I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
