My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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