Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
