Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
