My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize