Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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