Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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