I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
