You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
