i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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