she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
