My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
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Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
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Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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