yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
