They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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