Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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