I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i was born a porn star she said
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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