went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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