i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
