If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize