his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
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He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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