Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just invented taco cereal.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
