my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
