dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
