My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
