Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
