Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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