i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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