Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
