walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
