found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Pants are for mortals
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
