Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
