I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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